Dinos detect temporal variations

Dino scientists have detected temporal anomolies in the area of space near to where Windy dissappeared into a temporal hole. Chief Scientist Dougson said, "Temporal mechanics is still little understood but it looks like the time line was changed by an event, possibly the Rectoids going back to a previous time, but the damage was repaired by Windscorpion. Well we assume so anyway otherwise we might no longer exist! Although the timeline was repaired there are variations in tachyon energy left behind and we have been picking it up."

Zones sitting on a fortune

The Zones, a related species to the Clones, have been the pirate scum of the galaxy for decades. Operating from their largely lawless home world they have used their booty to keep their ships at the cutting edge, and operate in highly trained bands under the command of various Pirate-Kings. Lately there has been an upsurge in Zone activity in the upper Rim worlds and the space near Oscar and New Jakarta.

There is now a rumour circulating that the Zones have amassed a vast wealth from their decades of plunder and have a secret treasury on Zoneworld worth over 30 billion zarks! Getting at the money would be tricky though as the space near their home planet is some of the most dangerous in the galaxy and operating together the Zone bands possess a fleet equal to anything the DDS, Dinos or HCS could muster!

Rumours of rift between Oojok and Captain Clone over Benito

The war against Benito seems to have stalled, the HCS fleet has engaged in a stand-off against the Benito EYE fleet for some months now. The elite RP brigade tried to force the issue but was wiped out when it tried to land on Austini 55. Now there are reports of a rift between Oojok and HCS Commander Captain Clone over how to tackle Benito's EYE rebellion.

Oojok is said to want action, to rush Benito now before he gets too strong however Captain Clone wants to wait. He thinks a confrontation would be too damaging and, although the HCS would likely win, would leave the HCS too weakened afterwards to tackle any external threat afterwards. He favours containment, hoping that making Benito wait will dull the zeal of his followers and they will leave his fold.

Dr Forbidden : On FIDO and Open Architecture

Dr Forbidden held a media briefing with members of the technical press yesterday in which he detailed some of the technologies expected to be key to the DDS fleet envisaged for 2110.

FIDO or Fully Immersive Distributed Operation is a synergy of virtual reality, holographic projection and superlight communications to allow crewmembers to work on ships lightyears away, and fully interact with the crew as if they were really there. Its due to be introduced with the Quasar ILU and Velocity VS next year. Dr Forbidden said it would also be a part of the Panther programme and Terran Sea Block 3. Funding was also being secured to include it in the Pulsar MULE3 update planned fore 2109 and the Isometric ILU and Terran Sea Block 1-2 Catchup (basically bringing older Terran Sea up to the final specification). If these programmes are all successful then by 2110 all of the combat fleet will have FIDO installed.

Another key technology planned is Open Architecture which made it's debut with Terran Sea Block 2 and Pentekonter. This is a plug & play system components architecture with automatic integration and hot swapping that also includes off-ship processing of data, automated optimisation and updating of systems and data warehousing. Dr Forbidden is also hoping to have the majority of fleet including at least some of the OA components by 2110.

Quiz : Could you be a Hood?

The Hoods are the moral vanguard of the New DDS, bringing to you future security solutions. Could you join the elite that is the professional heroes of The Hoods? Try this quiz and find out!

1) When do you know if a non-professional is on-message?
a) when they remain calm and do not sweat?
b) when they give a clear and consise response to an inquiry?
c) NEVER! a non-professional never is on-message! all they ever say are foul bestial lies and sloth!

2) Whats the best way to spend a saturday night?
a) with your mates in the pub?
b) at the cinema with a girl?
c) alone in your room burying yourself with endless study whilst you send 1000v through your own genitals as pain is truth?

3) We should obey LORD ROTARIOS because...
a) he is the DDS commander?
b) we'll get in trouble if we don't
c) because LORD ROTARIOS is our facilitator of professionalism and our beacon in a sea of sloth

4) If we catch someone being off-message we should...
a) tell them the error of their ways
b) lock them up
c) death is too good for them! they must die!

5) Windscorpion is...
a) a good commander but can be a bad team-player
b) the apogee of man
c) a bad influence, he is the Satan Of Sloth

6) If you have some spare time you should...
a) see if you can find some other duties
b) relax and watch some daytime TV
c) be brutally whipped by a fellow Hood, obviously you have descended into the horror of sloth and have become an agent of non-professionalism! we are a team and must act like it, remember there is no I in professionalism!

Answers :
mostly As - you are an average Joe in the DDS, you must strive harder to achieve holistic self-actualisation
mostly Bs - obviously you are in Windy Massive and thus are an agent of sloth
mostly Cs - you are welcome to join the Hoods! self-flagellation at 8.

Fleet review announced

The DDS Fleet Review has been released, although the report remains secret a summary has been released to the media. The report looks at what kind of fleet the DDS want by 2110. Many of the details were as the leaked report last week but there are some surprises. One of the Pulsar cruisers will be withdrawn and also the Pentekonter patrol fleet will number 20 instead of 40. Instead an upgraded patrol boat called the Sparta class will also be built to fill in the gap. The details :

• The Cruiser fleet will be reduced to 24 hulls, 12 each of the Pulsar and Quasar. 1 Pulsar will be withdrawn and put in storage, 2 Quasars will be sold
• The Destroyer fleet will be increased to 23 hulls. 16 Panther, 6 Velocity and 1 Neptune.
• The Frigate fleet will be 49 hulls. 22 Isometric, 26 Terran Sea (an increased order) and 1 Isometric-Prototype
• The Long-range fleet will be 9 hulls. 6 Rhombus (converted Isometrics) and 3 Solaris. The 6 other Solaris will be either sold or made into training/research ships
• The Patrol fleet will be 35 hulls. 20 Pentekonter and 15 Sparta, a more powerful version of the Pentekonter
• The Transport and Training fleets are unchanged as now though a review of these will take place later this year
  

Vodaphone speaks to the DDS

DOC Vodaphone made the following speech to the DDS at a meeting of Hood Cadets at GHQ.

"Fellow professionals, we stand here on an apex of opportunity and the fulcrum of change. Behind us is the past of sloth. An inefficient mess of conflicting styles and messages. Its time to be on-message. Sloth is unprofessional and thus has been downsized. In fact sloth no longer exists, we have decided it never existed. What was it we were talking about. See its gone. Not that it ever existed. Whatever it was.

The New DDS is the agent of opportunity and progression. The New DDS is a ziggurat of career growth achieved through professional enhancement to facilitate holistic self-actualisation. Achievement is our reward. Before our peers we enhance our professional status. That is the true joy of life, forget the false happiness of friendship, girls and beer. They are false happiness that does not result in lasting well-being. Only professional enhancement can give you a true glow in real terms.

The New DDS stands for making the most of what you have and providing a round hole for your round ...er... prong. Right-fit strategies for all professionals. We at the New DDS believe in collective self-actualisation achieved through a raft of measures in a tailored programme of professionalism enhancing projects. I'm sure you are all clear with that.

At the end of the day however the New DDS is not what the New DDS can do for a professional its what a professional can do for the New DDS. We offer professional enhancement solutions. The Professionals, you, offer the New DDS the means for progression.

Now thats all clear i shall now present a 4 hour long Powerpoint presentation and we'll have a feedback session with an external facilitator before close of play."

Windy's dissappearance sparks riots

Riots and unrest have erupted across the UNP/DDS in the wake of Windscorpion's dissappearance down a hole. At GHQ a chapter of the Windy Massive had al fresco gay sex in front of the great statue of LORD ROTARIOS that they desecrated with a giant condom. THE LORD is said to be furious.

On Solaris a chapter of the Windy Massive clashed with the anti-Windy HET PATROL and battled in the streets until Hoods with water cannons and sonic weapons dispersed the crowds. DOC Vodaphone has called on the WM to calm down, "Windy will return soon, remain professional!"

Unit in focus : Superclones

The Clones began experimenting with cyborg supersoldiers fairly early into the Clone Wars. With the help of a renegrade human scientist (Dr Phoebus a.k.a. Dr Anus) the Clones were successful in creating two cyborg soldiers Delta and Epsilon. They were a great success, melding a Clone mind with a powerful robot body. No more were created however due to huge cost of each body. Delta and Epsilon still serve in the HCS but in high command.

The Clones sought a cheaper option and bought in a Dr Penis who was an expert in muscle enhancing drugs. They came up with the Superclone, a hugely muscled freak with a metallic body that contained communication equipment and other utilities. Forty Superclones were created and they formed 2 elite shock units. The HCS did plan 1000s but as the war against the DDS was being won on the ground and moving into space they had a change of policy.

Around 25 Superclones still exist and form a special operations unit. Often they are assigned as backup to Red Lizard on their operations. Unfortunately some long-term effects of the drugs are now being felt including paranoia and depression. Unfortunately Dr Penis and Dr Anus are no more, having killed each other in a bizarre kinky gay sex session involving hedgetrimmers.

UV97 : PURITY OF PURPOSE

We're closing in on UV100, but first of all UV97 Purity Of Purpose includes 6 bowel shattering stories! In Horny Gay Men the DDS reach the site of the Rectoid temporal experiments and come under attack. In Queen Of 1000 Years Ronald decides to keep tabs on Lakes by appointing Z-B-H and the new SS Deputy Commander. Megara begins his operation against Benito in Megara @ Austini 55 but is he the hunter or the hunted?

The DDS find a temporal hole in Sharper + More Clinical and ...er... fall into it. In our latest view of the recruits in On Parade Krusty and his fellows are chosen to take part in the ceremony for Smellyson's wedding. Finally in The Professionals Sea Urchin is caught in a honey trap.

UV97 is available in all brothels and chavette's panties. UV98 Impossible Is Nothing will be available next month.

Fleet review results expected soon

Earlier this year a committee set up by Director Of Operations Action Painting explored the future shape of the fleet, the numbers of cruisers, destroyers and frigates needed to match future operational requirements and needs were examined. The results of this analysis are due soon but a leaked snippet to a technical journal indicates there could be some big changes.

The leak states that the third Isometric class, the Pangaea, will be cancelled. It was due to start in production after the Terran Sea was completed and add 20 frigates to the fleet. Instead 6 more Terran Seas will be built, to a Block 3 standard that includes some technology developed for the Pangaea. The final 5 of the current order of 20 Terran Seas could also be to this Block 3 standard.

6 instead of 8 Isometrics will be converted to the long-range Rhombus class. This will mean that the frigate fleet will end up with 22 Isometrics, 26 Terran Seas and the singleton Isometric-P. This is considered sufficient. The money saved from not building the Pangaea class may go into ordering a further 2 Panther class destroyers. Development will also take place of a Block 2 mark of the Pentekonter patrol boat, to plug the gap between itself and the frigate fleet.

The full report is expected soon. The DDS declined to comment on the leak.

Quasar ILU set to begin in january 2107, but 2 to be sold

For the last few months 1211 Positron has been testing various new equipment that is expecte to be deployed on the forthcoming Quasar ILU programme. The DDS announced that 1201 Quasar and Positron will be the first 2 ships to enter the ILU programme in january of next year. The DDS expects the ILU, which includes a rebuild and replacement of much of the equipment to take 4 months per ships. Two ships can be upgraded at a time on the old Quasar production line rig.

The Quasar is likely to be re-engined with the Neptune E9 engine that uses hybrid technology. Top speed is to be boosted to a one-hour limited 950c dash and a sustainable cruise of 900c.

The real surprise of the DDS announcement was saved to the end. Two more Quasars are to be sold to the Raegris who bought 6 ships last year. The Raegris have recently made their Quasars operational and are very happy with them. The DDS hope to raise 2 billion zarks through the sale of 2 more plus spares and some updates. The 2 are to be sold after the ILU programme of the other 12 has completed. This is likely to take around 2 years if there are no delays.

Sea Urchin suspended from duty

Fleet Commander Sea Urchin has been suspended for a month and fined 1000 zarks for a lapse of judgement on a recent mission against a Zone base. He was in command of the frigate SS Mediterreanean Sea in an operation against a Zone base at a mining colony. During the mission he seduced a young female officer and was busy having sex with her when action was required against the Zones. As a result the frigate was ambushed by Zone warships and had to flee. Six crewmen were injured though none life-threatening.

Director Of Operations Action Painting cursed this example of unprofessional. "Now you see why the New DDS stands for professional enhancement, study and self-denial and not the evils of sexual intercourse, beer and friendship! This... fiend was too busy indulging in SIN! The Beast With Two Backs! In doing so he was unprofessional!"

Sea Urchin protested that he had been seduced by the young officer who had worn a skin-tight vest to his quarters for a briefing. Its thought the young officer will receive private specialist one-to-one retraining by Action Painting...

LORD ROTARIOS reacts to Windy's dissappearance

LORD ROTARIOS, who can dance better than anyone, gave a speech to the New DDS which is still reeling from the dissappearance of Windy, whose ship dissappeared down a hole. Its thought that hundreds of young men in the Windy Massive have had vasectomies in their shock.

"We don't know what has happened to Windscorpion." THE LORD said, "But its probably likely he has gone to battle the Rectoids in another time zone and will return when he has professionally dealt with them. I'd like to remind the New DDS that we are an inclusive organisation offering security and internal monitoring solutions."

Unit in focus : SS-CINT

The interesting thing about SS-CINT, is that they are not part of the SS at all. SS Counter Intelligence is a small and secretive group who report directly to the Office Of The Deputy Emperor. They are tasked with special operations against actual and potential threats to the state. Their usual role is in intelligence gathering, they are experts in Sigint and Rint. They tend to discover as much as possible about an enemy and then pass their information onto the army or SS for action.

The SS-CINT is probably the most secretive of all Dino Army organisations. In a recent Dino edition of Family Fortunes the public were asked to list SS groups. No one is a survey sample of 1000 Dinos said SS-CINT. Well one did and hes now being... re-educated.

Motto : We are too sekrit to have a motto

LORD ROTARIOS calls for communication highway

LORD ROTARIOS, who knows all that is to be known including things that are unknown, has called for an improvement in communication in the New DDS, which reduces conflict by recognising the positive intention. THE LORD told a group of cadets, "Rather than create a one way street, drive on a communication highway, where ideas and feelings can pass freely in both directions."

He also called for less conflict and more professional self-actualisation. "There is nothing to be gained from attacking the other person and everything to lose." he said.

Windscorpion dissappears down hole

The Pulsar class ship North America, flagship of Windy's taskforce to investigate Rectoid temporal activity has dissappeared down a temporal hole and didn't come back! Kommandant Von Kane told reporters, "Der Englander vent into der hole und ve lost contact. Ve think the temporal hole ich vere der Rectoid untermench have done back in der time to destroy the glorious DDS Reich before it vas born. Gott in Himmel! Dey must be shot! Ve hope der Fuhrer will be able to return. As ve are still here ve must assume that he defeated her enemy."

Translations available on request.

LORD ROTARIOS declares "can't" illegal

LORD ROTARIOS, hail to his polished metal penis, has declared the word "can't" illegal. All dictionaries in the New DDS, which is facilitating optimal professional growth, have had the offending word removed. THE LORD said "The New DDS is a can-do organisation, there is no such thing as ... that word which will no longer be referred to. In fact the word never has existed, it is all a figment of an unprofessional mind.

"The New DDS will be a convergent vessel of holistic right-scope self-actualisation. Don't forget : for us to win, you don't have to lose."

Joining of the Royal houses : The Smellyson/Pheldira wedding

Finally Smellyson Iguana married Pheldira Gola at a ceremony on Dino-Land. This has now merges the families of the Emperor and Deputy Emperor and possibly points to a new dynasty of the Iguana-Golas. Smellyson is the eldest son of the Emperor and has been considered the heir to the throne before. It is now thought by analysts that Ronald will begin to groom his son to take over, maybe in the next 15-20 years.

Smellyson and Pheldira are incompatible Dino species so children are not possible which makes the future of the dynasty after Smellyson very interesting.

HCS give go ahead for new Navy

As previously reported late last year the HCS want to restore a blue water navy to their portfolio. Captain Clone announced a 10 billion zark project to create a new HCS Navy, which is hoped to come online by 2110. The project involves building an aircraft carrier, 4 escorts, 2 other surface combatants, 4 submarines and 4 supply/support ships. A Naval Academy will also be built and 3 former HCS ports on the Cloneworld continent north coast will be refurbished and restored to service. 45 HCSAF F-40Ns (which were formerly of the old HCS Navy and then transferred to the air force) will be returned to carrier use, and upgraded to the F-40N2 standard.

DDS find buyer for Cuba class

The three members of the Cuba class transport (one of which has been withdrawn already) will be sold to Solaris-Proxima CargoMAX in a 195 million zark deal. Its expected the ships will all be handed over later in the year following the entry into service of a further Provider and Extender which will then give the DDS the transport capacity they need. CargoMAX are likely to use the withdrawn 7103 Dominician Republic as a source for spares.

Unit in focus : Windy Cult / Windy Massive

Windscorpion stands over the DDS as a collosus, a demi-God to many of the young men with mental illness who have flocked to the DDS over the years. It was no surprise, therefore, that a bizarre religion would form centred around the worship of Windy and the purity of H.G.S. The Windy Cult spurned hetrosexuality and friendship to dedicate themselves to their worship of Windy. They even wore Windy outfits at their meetings where they would discuss the deeds of their hero. LORD ROTARIOS had these geeks exterminated just after he took over the DDS.

But from the ashes has formed a new movement the Windy Massive. Some say this new generation of Windy followers is even more fanatical than the Cult. They first came to light when a huge crowd flooded onto the streets to celebrate a Windy victory. The Massive idolise their Lord and his ways. Violent anal injuries are apparently rife amongst them.

Big DDS fleet update

It was an incredibly busy week for the DDS fleet with no fewer than 6 new ships entering service, 1 returning from long-term repairs and 2 entering the withdrawn pool pending their sale. First of all the Pulsar cruiser 1007 Australasia became the second example of the class with the CIWS update. Isometric frigate 3117 Holocene returned to service following extensive repairs to the serious damage it suffered in the battle against the Tarbotians last year.

3211 Java Sea becomes the latest Terran Sea frigate to enter service and the second Block 2. Now half the class has been completed. Four Pentekonter patrol boats also entered service they being 3502 Alcibiades, 3503 Brasidas, 3504 Pericles and 3505 Demostenes. There will be a slight delay before the next batch are completed due to some errata being corrected in the class, the 5 built already will also receive modification.

For some time now the DDS have been needing a next generation EW/Elint platform to replace the limited Moscow class. 7351 Marconi is the first of the new Marconi class. These are based on the standard SUP design like the Provider and Extender. Eventually the DDS will have a fleet of 6 of these ships.

Two ships have also been withdrawn. The Cuba class transport 7103 Dominican Republic was withdrawn due to it requiring a replacement of it's reactor core. The work not being deemed economic as the ship is due for withdrawal later this year anyway. The DDS are hoping to sell the transport to a civil company. EW ship 7301 Moscow was also withdrawn following the arrival of Marconi. The Remedians are likely to purchase this ship and it's sister.

Unit in focus : RP Cloisters Brigade

The Clergy, the religious body of the Oojok Star Empire, are protected by an elite body of men called the Cloisters Brigade. These are the bodyguards of higher rank clerics and also guard the largest temples and residence of Ayatollah Akiwati. The Cloisters Brigade are notable for their bright red uniforms and pointed cone hats, they might look strange but are all tough soldiers. Usually they are drawn from other units of the RP and all must have at least 5 years experience in the armed RP, perferably combat experience.

The Cloisters Brigade is a new unit that was formed after the destruction of the old Legion Of Oojok at the hands of Windscorpion when he avenged the death of Raphie and slew Ayatollah Clone XE. The Cloisters Brigade is a lot more professional and higher trained than what the fanatical (but rather flabby) Legion Of Oojok were.

Motto : We protect Oojok with our lives!

Z-B-H named the SS Deputy Commander

In a move no doubt calculated to infuriate SS Commander Lakes, Ronald has appointed Legate Z-B-H to Deputy SS Commander. The post has been vacant since the suspension of Gibson following his implication in the assassination attempt on Emperor Jimmy. Since then he has been more or less cleared of any wrong-doing but Gibson remains on "leave" for the time being.

A notable blogger is reporting that Lakes is suspected as being behind the Jimmy shooting. Senator El Diablo investigated the incident and found circumstancial evidence but no real proof. Its thought that appointing Z-B-H, a hard and experienced pro, as Lakes' deputy will put pressure on Lakes to behave.

Rectoids attack DDS

The DDS are reporting the Rectoids launched an attack on the DDS warship North America, flagship of the detachment that is investigating the Rectoid temporal experiments. Several teams of Rectoid soldiers beamed aboard but were detected instantly using the new improved internal security scanner now fitted as standard aboard all DDS ships.

All the Rectoid intruders were killed without any DDS casualties. Some Rectoids got into the ship's engine bay. The DDS said that soon they will deploy teleport dampening fields into key areas aboard their warships which will prevent this happening again.

Preparations set for Dino Royal Wedding

The marriage of Senator Smellyson, the son and heir of Emperor Ronald, to Pheldira, daughter of Senator & Deputy Emperor G-B-H is set for March the 15th. Although the couple have requested a low-key affair because of the rank of the groom and the merging of 2 of the most powerful families in the Emperor the media interest has been intense.

The marriage will take place at the Central Orach Temple in Dino-Town. Director Of Communications Vodaphone will represent the DDS and heads of other empires and states will also be in attendance as well as the cream of the Dino Empire heirarchy. The 6th Legion, ESBG and the SS Iron Fight Brigade will be protecting the temple and the Palace Of Ronald which will host the reception. Security is said to be already that tight that a fart couldn't get in.

Unit in focus : SS Iron Fist Brigade

The principal SS infantry unit is the Iron Fist Brigade, a hard and professional outfit that almost is respected by the Dino Army. Unlike the bestial Black Dragon Martyrs the Iron Fist (and the Black Death armoured brigade) are actually good at fighting not just civilian massacres. They are highly trained and well-equipped. They fight hard, but maybe not very fairly.

They form the SS component of the Dino capital's defense garrison yet also have served with army units many times. The Iron Fist has recently been re-equipped with ex-HCS hardware and now roars into battle in Tapir AFVs backed up by LT-115 Striker light tanks.

Motto : Violence is our birthright